October 31, 2012

Fear::Why?

Although it is kind of a cliche saying, I would consider myself a 'control freak'. I like to be in the know, have control, and do things myself--knowing they will get done how I like them to get done. 

This will be an issue for me as a mom, I just know it. It will be an issue for Travis and I--I will have to learn to let him be the Dad he wants to be. Not the Dad that I want him to be. Because, really, I know that he wants to be and will the best Dad he can. I will struggle to let him change our son's diaper how he does it and not step in saying "Oh, I actually do it like this." I will have to let him do things HIS way and have confidence in him.(He is actually really good at changing diapers.)

After reading a friend's post about a family's tragedy, I started to have numbing fearful thoughts. I was thinking of all of things that could go wrong with the end of this pregnancy. Yes, I try to push these fears to the back of my mind. But, they are legitimate fears. What if our son is a stillborn? What if he doesn't survive? 

I imagine that once our son is born my fears will only quadrouple. "Why is he crying so much?!" "What am I doing wrong?" "Is he getting enough food?" "Is he breathing?!"

But then I asked myself, "Why do we fear"--especially what we can't control? 

Where does fear stem from? 

I think it stems from a lack of faith. A lack of faith in the Creator who knows not only me to the depths of my soul, but also my son. He created him. Perfectly. Even if he isn't "perfect". 

I feel like the theme of my pregnancy has been "Why stress about it if I can't control it?" So what?--he is measuring really big. If I can't do anything about that, then I am not going to stress about it. He will just be a big baby and I will just have to deal with having big babies. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe just a tougher delivery/recovery. At least he is healthy.

I used to worry "What if he comes really early and has to be in the NICU and we can't bring him home...on and on and on?!" Well, then that will just be the reality. 

I need to stop worrying.

I need to have faith--not fear of the unknown, not anxiety, not questioning of who has a better plan or who is in control. 

I need to know that His plan for my life, for Travis' life, for our son's life is BEST. It is. I might not think it at certain times. But it is. He knows the desires of our hearts. He has a plan for our son's life. He knows the exact date and time he will enter this world. I literally have NO control in that. 

So, I will try my best to enjoy this time of him rolling around and kicking. It puts a smile on my face. But, if I am filled with fear, I don't enjoy his kicks because I am too consumed with the 'what ifs'. 

And how lame is that?

Thanks for letting me share my fears, thoughts, and joys on here. It helps me feel normal. And I hope it helps you feel normal--But that it also inspires change in your heart.

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